In the middle of Nowhere.
- B K
- Oct 7, 2017
- 5 min read
One day I woke up, towards the end of the french summer of 2011, in the middle of freaking nowhere, literally nowhere. As far as I could see, there was not much to observe.
I was surrounded with plain fields filled with lots of tall trees, narrow rocky roads under the blue sky with small cloud patches that seemed to be moving in slow motion, a band of sheep with an army of cattle beside them, munching on the fresh grown grass and mooing away. The closest civilised or modern city in central France on the Yèvre riviere is Bourges with a population of about 60,000 people. I happened to be 57km south from Bourges, in a quiet small town of 200 people,Vernais.
Questioning myself "Why the hell am I here, is this cabinet woodworking course worth my time, will I find peace within myself after a year of deep emotional pain??" After all I am no country boy, I am known to be the city cowboy who travels from major city to major city. But due to the circumstances, I really didn't have much of a choice and no where to go or no where to sleep, so I came to the conclusion that total isolation my be what I needed to have after all the dramatic emotional rollercoaster ride between September 2010 - August 2011. I had taken my last 3000 euro and signed up to Barry Horton's woodworking course as he and his wonderful wife, Lesley - Anne offered a cabinet making formation (training) course with food and board for several weeks. I had never done anything with wood and I was keen on learning something new as well as a skill that can help me move forward in life and a distraction.
There is a phrase or expression, when a death of a family member or friend is occurred in someone's life, things come in 3's. An example would be, lost a love one, then you happen to break an arm or leg, then you get into some financial troubles. Well I had it in 7's. Fucking living a year of hell, every 2 months shit when down.BAD. I was ready to end it all and take my own life but I knew that I was too strong for that.
I will briefly explain in how it went - first to last. My cat died, then my grandmother passed away, very shortly after that my father passed away in Jakarta after having a heart attack, then a good friend of mine was murdered by a junkie, another close family friend died of cancer and then my 4 year relationship with my french partner ended as she claimed I had changed after my losses of close people in my life. A Few days after I moved back to Nice to make it work out and resolve the relationship. However, she confronted me that she had a new boyfriend already as they had been seeing each other since May 2011. I lost about 25,000 euro due to not working and tried to start something new in my life with my ungrateful partner. Its funny, when things are down in your life, you would think that your best friend would understand and be supportive. After all that, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts, I was ready to die...
I need something fresh in my life during 2011 and I came across Barry Horton. With Barry, somehow, doing the woodwork formation and having this gentle person, a teacher who can provide only but kindness along with his passion for cabinet making & helped me find a new place in my life. I gain so much from him and learned about different types of timber, dovetail joints, varnishing wood, history of cabinet making, learning about the history. Not only that I learned about wood, but also about life and how we take it. He would share some of his life stories as well as his work experience and his lovely wife would share her life expericances as well. During that time, while having time myself after class, I become grateful of where I had been in life and who I had in my life then I started to forget about money problems, the next plan problems and where will I be tomorrow problems. I knew there was a lot more to look forward to in life and I had to accept the fact that everyone in around me has bad times as well, not just only me. That difficult moment was a period to make me stronger and better for more things to come in my life. I realised there is no need to find a rope and give up easy. This is the journey for me to appreciate life and understand the value of life.
I will admit that I lost a lot of trust with people during 2010 to 2013, my trust in people today is very thin. People talk, people lie. No-one can be trusted these days, trust only yourself and to build trust, it takes a long time to develop. Good honest people have been fucked over in the past and they will always get screwed, it's been that way from the beginning and til the end of time. People change without notification, can be over night, but don't hang on to the negative vibes after all humans are sentive. Being out in the middle of nowhere was exactly what I needed, although it did take me 5yrs to move on from my ex and do what I can to put myself on a self-improving road but only for me and no one else to improve or impress. I try and keep the memory's of my lost love ones, learn from the regrets. Don't hold on them, use them to improve your life tomorrow.
I can truly say that I would probably be lost today if I had never met Barry Horton and if I never allowed time to myself and be away from the hustle and bustle. I most likely be doing more drugs, plus have a fair amount of meaning-less sex with women, then tell them nicely to leave in the morning. After the course, I decided to move to Vancouver. I became a rough carpenter for construction companies & general labor hand & travelled across Canada towards to Toronto, where I remember I was happy in that city. After all, Barry put me in the right direction for work and I took that new skill to start a new chapter in my life, even though I had to allow time to heal knowing bad times & bad memories would come and play in my mind, it certainly was not easy. I know this is very cliché, "Over time wounds heal and scares remain the same however over time you will move on" The key trick from my point of view is to keep learning new things and try new things, relocation can encourage change for the better and you must allow time to recover. I'd always try to say "yes" to every opportunity to grow, explore, open up to different ideas. It opened more doors. An individual who is struggling has to make the 1st move before he or she can accept the support, not the other way around.
Life is too messed up to be upset all the time, so I encourage people to go out and live it & enjoy it as much as you can.
Fin.