A gambler's love affair.
- B K
- Jul 21, 2018
- 7 min read
One day I woke up, feeling the sadness and the gloom. Still broke, still in debt. And I did not have a care in the world. Money don’t matter to me anymore. My head was lost, my emotions were drained out and I was tired of believing in hope. I stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. I threw up, a combination of the left-over pizza and alcohol, pouring out of my mouth from the night before. After the explosion, I managed to balance myself standing on my feet, I stared at the loser reflecting back from the mirror. He looked like me, but there was something different about him,"There is no more ambition within my soul to make something out of life. Can I make anything out of this life?" A calm firm voice speaks to me as I look into those hazy dark blue eyes of the thirty three year old man who has lived in seven countries over the last fifteen years. Exploring the globe. A life full of different experiences. Feeling of the fruition of his life growing and living with a purpose or an idea of living for a purpose internationally forever. It had come to an end. Nothing lasts forever, regardless of what it is and how much you love it, nothing last forever. Something will come at it and fuck it all up. My mind drifts off wondering again, but this time, I was trying to think through a fog in my head and asked myself, how did this lifestyle of gambling and the pokies take control of me; day in, day out?
Spending most of my nights at the club, hanging out in the gaming room. Less than three months, I began to learn the regular's names, their weekly wins on the slots and the races and became my new friends. I was now part of that group labelled regular. Who would desperately swipe every dollar from credit cards, bank accounts and scrape every silver piece found on the dirty ground. Asking people for a spare cigarette when the packet of sticks is empty or selling a cigarette to a stranger for two bucks when the need of extra dough is on the agenda. Finding any possible way to keep drinking, smoking and playing the favourite slot machine with fancy characters. Just to get an uplifting feeling or an adrenaline rush. You dream of the Jackpot and the freedom you think you will have from the winnings. A trip to Hawaii sounds delightful. You feel that it is possible to make easy money with no effort and you already know it is only by random luck that wins and the machine is fixed. But you feel lucky anyway. Temptations to take the risk feels quite right. The sounds go off and colors of the lights flashes brightly on the screen in front of your eyes, a hint of thrill runs down your spin. A Win! Your credit has increased. Heart pumps a little harder, you feel that the big one will hit soon or at least a good feature will land, Free Spins your way to profit and then close up and cash out with a win. But, once you get a suitable profit, you come to think you can walk away from it. Instead, order more to drink, you feel more confident and your wallet is filled with extra papers. Raise the bets to a higher setting, from $1.00 to $3.50. The higher your bets are, the bigger the wins can be. Simple as that. Before you know it, you have deposit over $500 into the machine and it is not returning any love back to the player. A visit to the ATM. Withdraw more cash. You insert another fifty dollar bill into the machine, order another beer, light up a cigarette and try again.
One night at the gaming room, I met Yokisa, a beautiful petite exchange student. She was not a topical shy Japanese girl that you could predict. We became friends very fast. Yokisa was very smart with fluent English, well-travelled like myself. A great cook. A solid drinker. A very sociable person and who was able to blend into any group of people. She had every guy at the pub picturing themselves mounting her. She was cute and slim with soft skin. Pure. Clean. Great body figure. Free sprite. She was a porn-star in the bedroom. A man’s gift from the Buddha. A gift can have some defects if you are not careful. Yokisa’s weakness was the hours spent at the pub playing the slots. We never found the excitement of keno or the races. If either of us won big, we would throw a party, buy food and drinks for our friends at the club, pay some bills and have lots of meaningless drunk sex. If we lost, we still have half bottles at home to drown with pity and eventually became depressed drunk. Have an argument over nothing and the room would be electrified with tension and usually something ended up broken. Just because we lost the money and wanted to blame it on someone or on something. In the end, we would have make up sex. False love to climax a thrill, like a win from the slots and sleep it off.
Our relationship became something without a meaning. We only needed accompany of the significant other when we lost against the odds. We would fuck just to feel pleasure. Sexual torture was around to take the edge of the loss and feel a different kind of pain. I started to see myself in the future, similar to a heroin addict chasing on the big quick fix, just like sex can be at times when feeling depressed and lost. Simply no love.
We both worked at night at our dead-end jobs with no future to grow. Well, for Yokisa, the waitressing business was only temporary. I had eventually given up chasing a career. Lost the purpose of what I was meant to do with my life. We would meet at the club after work. We were not a couple but acted like one. I made sure of that, we held no commitments towards each other. I was still in-love with an old European flame. But slowly, my obsession and the memory of her was replaced by playing the slots and sports betting. Yokisa knew about my past lover, and it didn’t seem to bother her. Maybe she had hoped we would grow into love. Or maybe because she lived with me for some time.
From large bets and losing dramatically after good reels and go chasing. Something every gambler does, Go Chasing for the money back.
Two rebels who got caught up with a bad choice of interest and keep feeding our addictions by any means necessary, believing we can win another jackpot. There is no doubt we did enjoyed the atmospheres at the clubs, people we met and the social events within. Fun at times. However, you felt like shit by the end of all of it but still want more of it and try win a bucket of gold. It was sad image. It was unhealthy. Losing more than we had realised. At one point, I had maxed out two credit cards; seven thousand dollars total. It took less than ten months for that to happen. Drained my savings out like water gushing down from a tap and had no respect for myself. Years of savings vanished.
Yokisa came to her senses one day and decided to move out. I did not care or try to stop her. I just drove her down to her new crib and dropped her off, wished her all the best then went straight to the club for a little slap. I had an hour to kill before commencing my shift for work. After my shift, I went back to the club.
Wise decision for Yokisa to leave me and maybe stop blaming each-other for unnecessary things. Yet, I had this great girl in my life and everything about her was awesome. Maybe it didn't have to be the way it was, but I would be fooling myself because all I cared for was money and my winnings and my beer. I didn't really have any true friends around, they all live in another country. Spending a fair amount of time in front of the five reels was the main entertainment while nursing a cold beer in one hand. No interest in anything else. Months went by without Yokisa, I still had continued on my current route expect changing the clubs time to time and try my luck elsewhere. Same days I felt like the king of the world. Most days I would go home without a coin. And I didn't give a damn.
A year goes by. I ran into Yokisa on the street. Yokisa has finished her program with a job lined up. She has a new partner in her life. They are in love. He certainly must treat her better than I did or could have. My feelings for her was overwhelmed with happiness. She got what she deserved. She admits that she will slip down to the club or the pub, have a sneaky slap for old time sake. It was clear that her addiction is still lies underneath her skin.
I, therefore tried to create a plan from scratch and find a solution to put myself in the right direction after seeing Yokisa. A sense of motivation clicked. Find a plan to live a healthier and more meaningful life.
However, pointless, I thought.
I have nothing to lose at this point of my life.
When a man loses his purpose for his true love and motivation. The French amour, who no longer wants anything from him nor loves him no more. That is when a man is just waiting to die.
Maybe one day I will wake up and discover another interest worth investing my time and effort. In the end, it is easier not to try. Charles Bukowski was right about something - Find what you love and let it kill you. Live the good moments and just let things be. You cannot control tomorrow or the people’s emotions towards you. It is difficult to accept it. Foolish of me chasing an old lover for years. A false hint of hope to be reunited together. The love was so real and full of passion that it was too much pain to bear. Too much pain to remember and it never escapes from you. Feeling like a failure grows within my spirit.
The pub can be a man's paradise for when he is lonely...